According to Gender Violence Recovery Centre, Gender Based Violence is any act that results in physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering.
This includes threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivations of liberty, whether occurring in public or private life perpetrated against a person based on socially-ascribed (gender) differences between males and females.
Donah Sarange, a Gender Based Violence survivor, is a counseling psychology student and an experienced physiotherapist at the Kisii Teaching and Referral Hospital (KTRH), Kisii County, Kenya.
Born and bred in Gesusu village, Masaba South, Kisii County as the last born and only daughter in a family of four, Sarange has witnessed and experienced violence since her tender age.
The family was used to witnessing their mother and themselves beaten up, physically and psychologically abused by their father.
But somehow, they at the same time found love in the same father.
While young, Sarange experienced such violence by being beaten up and abused in public by her father.
These recurrent experiences affected her childhood and negatively shaped her attitude and beliefs towards child upbringing.
She managed to join college in 2012 for a Bachelor of Science course.
In her final year in 2015, she got pregnant and with her partner, decided to settle in marriage.
In 2015, she got employed in Kisii County Government as a Physiotherapist.
“During this time my marriage had struggles, mistreatment and disrespect. When l told his parents, they would insist I be patient and not report it to my parents,” Sarange recalls.
Her husband used to say she’s disobedient.
He would publicly disrespect her.
“This really used to crush me a lot. Deep down my heart l knew l didn’t deserve this but the courage to cry for help was not there,” she explains.
“One day he beat me up when my son was 2 years old. My baby tried to help me. He pushed the baby. With I shielding the baby with my hands, he continued beating me up.
I didn’t want the neighbours to know, so I didn’t cry. Gladly, the baby ‘cooperated’ and didn’t cry, either,” she recounts.
For a long time, she didn’t seek any professional help.
A 2014 Demographic and Health Survey on Sexual and Gender Based Violence (SGBV) shows that in Kenya, 42% men and women still believe(d) wife beating is acceptable under some circumstances.
Cultural norms have shaped this unacceptable belief.
As for Sarange, “I grew up knowing marriage issues are untold to the public; it’s a sign of failure,” she admits, citing wrong upbringing.
Along her marriage life, insecurities and distrust started. She could be forced to explain every call she had within the day, including with her parents.
“He could complain that I smile a lot to men,” she says. Though she could explain it all to keep the peace, “I used to feel drained, tired and lacked focus,” she laments.
While Sarange was nursing her second born, the husband, a high school teacher, got into cheating, without even hiding it.
He would later disown his mistakes and accuse the wife.
Sarange’s dream was to salvage the marriage and so she mustered all the strength to forgive her husband, a strength she says cost her a lot in future.
In 2016, he requested her to apply for a Ksh. 450, 000 loan for them to start a business.
She did, expecting the business to boost their family projects.
To her surprise, he embezzled the funds and couldn’t even account for them a year later.
In 2019, he surreptitiously asked for a bigger loan of Ksh. 800,000 to shift from wines and spirits business to MPesa.
She gave in, took it and sent him the money, which he never paid back!
This reduced her salary many steps downwards, welcoming more disdain from the husband.
“At some point in 2019, l became suicidal. I was looking for the best method to take my life.
Suddenly, my second born came in calling me. That sound scared me. Where will l leave these kids?” She remembers.
She shared it with a friend, who in turn told Sarange’s father.
He offered her love and support. Her son’s voice, coupled with her friend’s and dad’s love, changed her mind.
Her dad came to her daughter’s rescue and helped in clearing the first loan to boost her.
A time later the husband wanted to lock her and beat her up, she escaped, liaising with her house girl to escape with the two children and take them to her parents.
“So l went home and narrated the story; Heartbroken, frustrated, ashamed, tattered. It was total darkness. I felt a hopeless, useless failure,” she sadly narrates.
Lovingly embracing her, the parents rented her a house and paid a three-month rent for her.
“I was like a walking shell but nobody could tell.”
Her husband later traced her, came and abused her, prompting her to report to the police, who muttered that they don’t involve themselves with marriage issues.
The 2014 SGBV survey further indicates that about 50% of the affected women never report to authorities.
Fear of authorities, lack of enough concern by the authorities among other insecurities scare away the victims.
He left, only to come later, spoiling the children with gifts. Sarange, for the sake of the children, held her peace, which cost her.
“That night he raped me and l got pregnant with my third born. When I realized l’m pregnant, I felt done, ” Sarange recollects.
He would physically and emotionally abuse and frustrate her while pregnant. He left when Sarange was 7 months pregnant, coming back when the baby was 2 weeks old.
In March 2020, after the delivery, her mother-in-law visited and “repented” for her son.
Sarange, using all chances to redeem the marriage, gave in once more.
“Mum tells me they were just praying for me, for God to open my eyes,” remembers Sarange.
She developed a life-threatening complication after delivery and had a surgery.
Her husband could insult her, amidst all her pain, complaining she had soiled his name everywhere.
He then tagged her a “sewage”.
“This word changed my mind. I said enough is enough,” she says. She sought a chance to leave for good.
“When he went to town, I called my brother. He responded quickly, came and we left with my kids, never to reunite again on earth,” she recounts.
Separated, Oguti started her healing process, a physical and psychological healing, with a counselor’s helping hand.
She says the society caused her injuries, instead of lending a helping hand. She feels it would have done better but didn’t.
While some ask her where she’ll take the three sons, others claim she didn’t offer enough care to her husband.
She feels they’re trying to give an input to a problem they don’t even understand.
She admits that failure to seek help from a professional almost cost her life.
She feels the emptiness, lack of awareness and self-worth, would all have been redeemed in a counsellor’s hands on time.
Before marriage, though with a son, Sarange believes she would have got re-parented and her perspectives changed.
On the effects of wrong upbringing she got, she notes that, “People deny the imperfections of their parents hence they don’t acknowledge the pain and lost childhood.
“For you to forgive you acknowledge first. You grief the lost childhood then let go,” she adds.
She says that though our parents may give us the best they know yet unknowingly cause trauma and injuries, let’s acknowledge the trauma and deal with it, loving them as they are.
Her healing strategies have been the magic behind her gradual healing:
“I sought counseling, was re-parented and trained to parent my kids.
This has made my parenting easy and enjoyable. It has also helped me help my boys process the loss. This is work in progress,” she confirms.
Self love has firmly sat deep down her heart. “Even if the whole world turns against me, l can’t neglect ‘me’.”
“My healing has strengthened my spiritual life a lot. I am more connected to God than ever,” Sarange appreciates.
Self talk has been her soul’s medicine. She’s proud of every time and coin spent seeking and getting guidance.
Meditation, journaling, healthy boundaries and joining a counseling course also feature in the list.
She vouches for psychotherapy and opening up, which have worked miracles for her.
She has now found more joy and meaning in life, getting stronger every day.
She believes her story will speak to it’s hearers and hasten their healing process.
She is open to helping those owning a similar story to regain their life’s purpose.
She now handles mental health related issues, counselling and physiotherapy services.
Her contact: donahsarange@gmail.com
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Great work Benvictor.