SATIRE: When WhatsApp became WhatsDown

The author of this article, who happens to be a Nyagenkean, was in this world when people started to talk on pocket-size stones.

The very author, who by luck is me, wondered why Manengo, the first ever Nyagenkean to be the proud owner of such a stone had a conversation with it.

I am saying that the arrival of mobile phones in Nyagenke mesmerised the Nyagenkeans.

Manengo’s was Zagem, whose shape was like that of a boiled potato that had been stepped on by its potential eater whose stomach was already playing host to other potatoes.

The arrival happened at a time when Mzee Kebwato walked while chewing the mouth as if he was in a conversation with fences and birds that flew over the land that you envy to live in, the land of Nyagenke.

Manengo outsmarted Kebwato, in that when the stone screamed, he moved away from fellow Nyagenkeans to speak to it.

It did not take long before the Nyagenkeans discovered that there was another person on the other end who was a proud owner of such a gadget.

As the Manengo Phenomenon (MP) reverberated across ancient Nyagenke which is now a technopolis with the highest concentration of mobile phones per square kilometre, more information emerged.

It emerged that apart from Zagem, the mobile phone brands were as many as they came.

Kensell got busy connecting people as Sabarikomu proved that indeed, it was the bitter option.

Let me not dwell on the past of the past of mobile telephones.

Let me say that my mouth was big enough to accommodate 32 spikes when Facebook, Twirra, WhatsApp, Instagram and such things came.

I did not have problems becoming a proud owner of a Twirra account.

Even so, I really didn’t like following people on Twirra because they were not following me back.

It did not take me long to discover that probably, I was following people who were already lost.

In Facebook, there’s was this good for nothing guy who refused to accept my friend request even after I made it verbally.

Much later, he discovered that I was a good for something person and he sent a similar request which I promptly declined.

Then came WhatsApp!

I visited the city in traffic, also called Nyorobi and a friend asked me why I was not in What’s App.

Because I have a history of writing meat wrappers and writers of meat wrappers are not supposed to be discovered to be behind news, I answered the question in a manner likely to suggest that if I was not in WhatsApp then he too was not there.

I realized that the world was moving faster than my head and acquired a phone that elevated me to the platform.

Back in Nyagenke, I not only dislodged Manengo from the position of Muntu wa Simu Kali (MSK) but became the trendsetter on matters maximising use of the gadgets.

I am now a household name in Nyagenke and its environs by virtue of idling online, a job whose reward is none of your business 😅

If there’s a make of a phone that I have not touched, then it has not left the factory. Na siringi imagine!🏃🏾‍♂️

You can now start seeing why I received a thousand and one calls Monday evening when WhatsApp left.

The Nyagenkeans were calling Mr Know-It-All, the replica of Kemanyi the wife of Osoro, she who is the celebrated yet unsalaried village reporter.

This time, I was not caught flat-footed.

I had proved beyond reasonable doubt that my lines had enough data to drown a pregnant frog and WhatsApp was not working even after I switched the networks.

I had also seen on Twirra that users were singing from tree tops, celebrating the fall of WhatsApp and her close relatives.

Those tweeting seemed to scream more than the bereaved, thus making WhatsApp trend.

This app happens to have ‘enslaved’ the Nyagenkeans who belong to groups (for wrong and right reasons) where the main business is making their phones drink data as if there is no tomorrow.

I did not want to say much about the breakdown and its effects, for fear of hashtags like (#StopTheNyagenkean, #SomeoneTellTheNyagenkean) on Twirra.

I do not have intentions to raise my blood mercury defending things that were not invented in Nyagenke.

Until Nyagenke brings an app that matches these global ones, I will spare my fingers the trouble.

Let us meet at the Hilton, Nyagenke Campus we celebrate the return of WhatsApp!🏃🏾‍♂️🏃🏾‍♂️🏃🏾‍♂️


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Mr. Araka is the pioneer reporter and editor at The Scholar. His satirical segment, The Idler's Corner is very popular with our readers. He is also a published novelist and biographer.


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